Chris Cassingham reflects on the beginning of college life as an out swimmer

Thanks Chris for sharing with us! His post on Outsports is also a great read.

This semester was a great demonstration of what is possible when you don’t have to hide, when you don’t have to worry what people are saying when you’re not in the room and when you can be yourself without any reservations.

I came out in June of 2014: a little bit earlier, in hindsight, than I was prepared for. I read so many inspiring stories on outsports.com of athletes from around the country who were, and are, able to live as gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender without having to hide. I felt that after reading all of these success stories I was also ready to come out. That is an easy decision to make in theory.

In practice, it’s a whole other story. Nevertheless, I made the leap and came out and was received by my family, friends and the rest of the LGBT community with open arms.

This was the first milestone accomplished. The second was college.

I made my life a whole lot easier by coming out before college because I had time to get used to being out before thrusting myself in an environment full of people I had never met and situations I potentially didn’t know how to handle. I was able to go to school secure in myself as a gay man.

Now, one semester later, I find myself reflecting on what has been a wonderful and successful few months.

I have never had a problem with anyone because of my sexual orientation. The University of Mary Washington is a very liberal and open-minded campus, and I am grateful for the welcoming community. Being out to yourself, however, does not necessarily mean you are out to everyone. I was extremely conscious of the fact that I was out, but that didn’t mean everyone knew, in fact the opposite was probably true until I or someone else brought it up in conversation.

Being an athlete on campus has also been worry free. My place on the school’s swim team has only been a blessing and I’ve made wonderful friends in whom I can confide anything and with whom I expect to make many more memories.

I’ve had an extremely successful season so far in the pool, coming off our big mid-season invitational well-placed nationally to make a charge for the NCAA championships in March, something a lot of freshmen don’t experience. Nothing is guaranteed by any means, but this is my goal for the end of the season.

I came to college not really knowing what to expect, but now that It’s over, I know that there was nothing to be afraid of. The fact of the matter is, if you live your life as genuinely as possible, regardless of your sexual orientation, you will always find your place.

Matt Korman shares about the coming out process

  Matt Korman, swimmer at the University of Texas, shared his thoughts on what is important about the coming out process. He highlights the difficulties many of us face and the outcomes of the process.

       Coming out is the single most challenging decisions an LGBT person will have to make. It sounds so simple yet actually saying “I am gay” can be some of the hardest words to string together. Whether it’s telling your mother, father, friends or teammates, taking that final step can feel as if you’re walking on the edge of a cliff. But in my experience, I found it to be one of the most liberating times of my life. What’s important throughout this process is that you take care of yourself. Gaining a positive gay, lesbian or bisexual gender identity can be difficult; if it were easy in today’s culture everyone would be doing it. Battling homophobic attitudes and discriminatory practices is a daily challenge that must be met with caution, care and confidence.         

         We train just as hard, we want it just as much and we are hungrier than most. As an LGBT athlete, I have seen how far we have come and how much further we need to go. The most difficult part for LGBT athletes is gaining that sense understanding combined with the visibility that we need to level the playing field. Homophobia is too pervasive in our society to be ejected from our consciousness, especially in the locker room, on the field and in the pool. As long as homophobia exists, the LGBT youth has some very real and legitimate fear. There are many people, especially in the athletic world, who aren’t ready to accept LGBT athletes…this is not your problem. It is not your burden to bear their insecurities and close-mindedness on your shoulders simply because they believe you are different. Instead of wasting your time and energy on these people, forgive them and move on by staying level headed and reasonable. Although it is difficult not to get angry with these people, fighting them with kindness is beating them at their own game. Being confident in yourself and expressing sureness is one of the most powerful messages you can send. Projecting pride in who you are also allows you to feel more comfortable in your own skin. In doing so, you have the power to change people’s perceptions on LGBT athletes and the LGBT community. More often than not, when the situation becomes personal people begin to invest more in educating themselves on the issue. Going to school in one of the most conservative states in the country, I know first-hand how cruel some people can be. On the flip side, I also have learned how compassionate and accepting people can be once they look past the idea that one’s sexuality defines who they are as a person.  Slowly tearing down the walls of bigotry is no easy feat and cannot be done overnight. In educating and exposing people to the LGBT community and the members who encompass it, we can gradually begin to change the negative stigmas that people still have about us.  

Drew Davis shares about having a coach who didn't support him

Drew Davis, Division 1 Volleyball player at Erskine College, shared this story about dealing with an unsupportive coach after coming out with Outsports. Thank you for sharing Drew!

Dealing with an Unsupportive Coach and Community

It all started the day after my Outsports article was published in March 2014. My team already knew about the article and they were extremely happy for me. I had been out to my team for almost a year by the time my article was published. My team loves me; they love all of my gay teammates. There are others besides me. Volleyball is known to have a lot of homosexual players. It’s just one of the world’s wonders. I believe it’s because gay guys are more comfortable about being open and honest with their teams. If you don’t know any volleyball players, you must understand that we are an eclectic type of people and athlete. Very competitive, but also very unique and open.

At this point, I knew that my former coach knew about me and another teammate. He even went so far as to ask my roommate, who is also my best friend, if there would be any issues between me and the other teammate if we were to room together on away trips in hotels. I think he believed that all gay guys sleep with other gay guys. Typical stereotype, I know. However, my former coach and I have never actually set down and talked about my personal life or my relationships, it was almost taboo. My teammates were open about their relationships and I was open about mine. You can think of the type of questions I was asked, as they are all the type of questions that all homosexual athletes and people get.

The day after my article came out, I got a text from my coach telling me and my teammate Juan, who was also featured in the same article, to meet with him before practice with the three captains on the team. Juan and I arrived about 45 minutes early before practice and go into a side classroom in our gym and see our coach with his head in his hands and the three captains sitting in silence. The first thing he says is, “how could you not tell me? How could you let me get blindsided by this?” Juan and I look at each other and are confused about what is going on. He then goes on a rant about how the night before he gets a call from our athletic director about our article. Apparently, someone in the Erskine College community called the administration and decided to condemn them for allowing openly homosexual athletes play sports at a reformed Presbyterian school. Then our ex-coach proceeds to tell us that we have not only ruined his season, but probably future recruiting because Juan and I are gay.

I instantly burst into tears, not because I was sad, but because I was fueled with a rage that I have never felt before. How can someone be so ignorant and naïve? What does my sexuality have to do with “his” season? What does it have to do with recruits that come along after I’m gone? Instantly, before I could start screaming, one of my straight captains who I wasn’t very close with pipes up and ask coach what his deal is? He asks, “What does Juan and Drew’s preference have to do with anything about volleyball, or the potential championship run we are on?”

My article painted the college and my team in a positive light. I had said in my article that I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. My team is like brothers to me and they accepted me and still do today. They just want me to be happy. I said nothing during this meeting, but later that day I was so hurt and so depressed that someone could think such things about me, that I slept from after practice, through all of my classes the next day and even debated quitting volleyball altogether. Yet, I didn’t. My team won the regular season and conference tournament championships and later played in the NCAA Division 1 tournament against Stanford University where we lost in the first round. However, I will never forget playing in front of that crowd, how it felt to reach to top tournament in college volleyball. It was a dream come true. We had only had a volleyball program for two years, and yet we are on the top stage of volleyball and even ranked within the country.

But, my sophomore season was a negative one, dealing with an unsupportive coach and even his father, who decided to email Cyd Zeigler, one of the editors from Outsports,  and proceed to tell him that he and I were promoting the “gay agenda”, and we were ignorant as to how my straight teammates felt about the publicity we would get. The Presbyterian community around my rural, southern college also funds it. They decided to talk negatively about me as well on a website specifically for Presbyterian churches and schools. They said I only did this article to get famous and that I was sneaky in the way that I did it. I went behind everyone’s back to gain fame and promote homosexuality within Erskine College. This year I was even approached by a Trustee member and asked what I thought about the student who promoted homosexuality the year before. This trustee member obviously didn’t know that I was the one with the article. I played it cool, I just said that everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, sexuality, and morals. What they decide to do with them is none of my business, and if our school is a Christian school, shouldn’t we be promoting love and non-judgment for everyone? Isn’t that what being a Christian is all about? Since I, myself claim to be a Christian, that is what I was taught growing up. Everyone love thy neighbor.

Although my coming out experience has not been easy, I do not regret it one bit. I wouldn’t sell my team or my college for any amount of money in the world. This year, my junior season, we have a new coach who supports every person on the team, and doesn’t worry about who his players are in relationships with. This man inspires me every day and he is what I want to become when I get older. We are contending for another championship this year, and are set to make it back to the NCAA tournament in Palo Alto, California in May 2015.

I, myself, want to be a college volleyball coach when I graduate and I am done playing the sport that I love. I know what it is like to have an unsupportive coach and I have learned that is not the type of coach, or person I want to be. A coach is not only a coach, but a mentor and role model. They shape athletes, but also have a hand in how those athletes develop into working members of our society. Being a coach, and being supportive of your players in all that they do allows for a great mutual respect between player and coach, but also fuels motivation for the player and the coach to get better. From a player’s perspective, patience is a virtue. Keeping myself from saying the wrong thing kept me from quitting the sport I love and making multiple enemies along the way. My word of advice is to be comfortable in who you are, God made you that way and the trials and tribulations you go through today, make you into a better, more open person tomorrow.

Drew Davis

Jack Thorne talks recruiting trips as an openly gay athlete

Jack Thorne, a swimmer in Colorado and soon to be Divison 1 NCAA athlete, took the time to write about the recruiting process as an openly gay athlete. Here is what he had to share:

            I like to think that I approached the recruiting process like any other athlete did. I was nervous about the team liking me, me liking the team, the coaches, the location, and 50 other things, well 51 actually. Most kids going through this process don’t have to worry about how their sexuality is going to influence their recruiting experience. Throughout recruiting I was very cognizant of the fact that the coaches and the team could know that I was openly gay. I had one coach bring it up to me and he was incredibly positive. On my trips I was also very aware of the fact that I was out. I also realized that while I was “out”, I was not necessarily out to the team or the coaches.

Going on my four recruiting trips there were a few things that I looked for in the schools. I looked for out members on the team, I looked for a school that had a positive and inclusive environment, I looked for a team that didn’t use homophobic slurs, one that treated it’s out participants no differently than any other member of the team. One of the things that I thought was most important was how the team interacted with each other and with those of them who were out.  My team here in colorado treats me the exact same way they did before I came out, the few slurs they were using stopped almost instantly. I wanted a team environment like that, I wanted one where I can come onto the team and be myself. Being on a team where I felt like I had to hide again would be miserable, I want to be able to have my boyfriend at team events and at meets and not have to worry that we would be treated differently. I wanted a team that would judge me based on my personality and work ethic rather than who I was with romantically.

 All four of the schools I had to choose between had some involvement with the LGBT community. Wisconsin and now Penn State both work with You Can Play, which, to me, said something about the school, the staff, and the students. At the Wisconsin football game, there was an ad on the big screen for You Can Play and some of the swimmers had rainbow buttons on their backpacks. Being in this environment helped me realize that If I went there I would most likely be accepted. There were similar experiences at the other three schools, either a swimmer made a positive comment to or about someone who was LGBT, or someone who said a slur was called out on it. These all made me feel like I would be part of a great team.

To sum everything up, I looked for a school where I thought I’d be happy and healthy. I still looked at everything else an athlete needs to look at from the food, to the weight room, to the location. The only thing added into that mix was that I was looking for an inclusive team that would accept me for who I am and wouldn't treat me any differently than they would if I were straight.   

Dealing With Stigma Against The LGBT Community

Unfortunately, many of us will experience or witness a situation where someone is being victimized due to their gender identity or sexual orientation at some point in our lives. The use of offensive language is common in a lot of places and physical violence is also a traumatic issue. Prejudice and hatefulness will always exist among some people and it can be difficult to prevent these things from happening altogether. However, there are a few important things to think about so that you can be prepared for an uncomfortable situation and minimize the damage caused.

One thing to consider is how to respond to someone who is using offensive language or gestures. It can be tempting to confront that person with anger and aggression because it raises our emotions. Meeting someone’s derogatory behavior with inappropriate language or offending them in return is counterproductive to the cause. What we want is for them to act in a way that is respectful and tolerant, regardless of their beliefs. Our actions need to advertise that courtesy, despite our feelings towards the offender, so that we can promote appropriate behavior.

What actions can we take if we see someone being physically or verbally victimized? In a public setting, it can be easy to assume that someone else will help and not take action. That often isn’t the case. One effective way to deal with the situation is to aid the victim rather than attack the offender. Offer them your company and be supportive. Reassurance that someone is there for you can provide comfort and safety under stressful circumstances.

It can be hard to understand why people act in a way that is harmful to others. Jeff Stone, a professor at the University of Arizona, once told me that fear of something unknown is a major cause of prejudiced behavior. People will lash out at us because they don’t understand our lifestyles and are not educated about what it means to be LGBT. They may be afraid because they don’t have any perspective. In many cases, these situations are unfortunately due to the way the offender was raised or because they have adopted the views of influential people in their lives instead of educating themselves and forming their own opinions. We can’t control this, but we can have some comfort in knowing that there are outside factors that influence bias. These types of things can severely compromise a victim's mental health if they believe that they somehow caused the situation or that they deserved mistreatment due to their self-identity. Having experienced emotional or physical abuse, it is important for a victim to have closure of the situation in realizing that it was not their fault.

I asked some of our group members for their thoughts on this topic:

How would you approach someone who is using offensive language or gestures?

 “I would be angry if their gestures offended me. I wouldn't seek to offend them back or be rude per say, but I would show them through body language/tone of voice that I am not tolerant of their behavior.” –Caroline Johnston (University of Florida)
"I would stand by them. Victims of bullying are seen as easy targets. By coming together, it gives the victim support and shows the perpetrator that they are not alone. No one should be victimized for their sexuality. Sexuality is a spectrum. People need to start realizing that." -Cole Stroop (University of North Carolina)

What actions would you take if you saw someone being victimized due to their gender identity or sexual orientation?

 “I would go to the person being victimized and ask them if they want me to help them get away from that person. If they needed to get away I would help them. I would also call out the person that is victimizing them.” -Bonnie Brandon (University of Arizona).

What do you think are some possible causes for this type of behavior?

“I believe that often people are ignorant, but usually, they are not alone when acting this way.  When I have observed and/or experienced it, the individual is with others.  It is usually something to show off to friends.  I also believe it is out of fear of they themselves being outed so they need to hide it and do it in derogatory or violent terms.” –Regi Munro (University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire and Arizona State University)
"Generally I believe this behavior stems from insecurity, fear of differences, and lack of understanding" -Drew Martin (Texas Christian University and Mississippi State University)

Students Producing Allied Community Equality

S.P.A.C.E. (Students Producing Allied Community Equality) is a group dedicated to visible support for LGBT equality on campuses from students, administrators, and alumni. Members of the LGBTQ+ community and Straight Allies will work together to advertise support for equal rights. Members pledge to take a stand against prejudice, hate speech, and exclusion. These individuals are dedicated to making every person feel safer in their respective communities. The group is based out of the University of Arizona, but includes members from many schools around the country. This blog is where we will give information about projects as well as posts from members. The group can also be found at https://www.facebook.com/groups/702757906477947/