Matt Korman shares about the coming out process

  Matt Korman, swimmer at the University of Texas, shared his thoughts on what is important about the coming out process. He highlights the difficulties many of us face and the outcomes of the process.

       Coming out is the single most challenging decisions an LGBT person will have to make. It sounds so simple yet actually saying “I am gay” can be some of the hardest words to string together. Whether it’s telling your mother, father, friends or teammates, taking that final step can feel as if you’re walking on the edge of a cliff. But in my experience, I found it to be one of the most liberating times of my life. What’s important throughout this process is that you take care of yourself. Gaining a positive gay, lesbian or bisexual gender identity can be difficult; if it were easy in today’s culture everyone would be doing it. Battling homophobic attitudes and discriminatory practices is a daily challenge that must be met with caution, care and confidence.         

         We train just as hard, we want it just as much and we are hungrier than most. As an LGBT athlete, I have seen how far we have come and how much further we need to go. The most difficult part for LGBT athletes is gaining that sense understanding combined with the visibility that we need to level the playing field. Homophobia is too pervasive in our society to be ejected from our consciousness, especially in the locker room, on the field and in the pool. As long as homophobia exists, the LGBT youth has some very real and legitimate fear. There are many people, especially in the athletic world, who aren’t ready to accept LGBT athletes…this is not your problem. It is not your burden to bear their insecurities and close-mindedness on your shoulders simply because they believe you are different. Instead of wasting your time and energy on these people, forgive them and move on by staying level headed and reasonable. Although it is difficult not to get angry with these people, fighting them with kindness is beating them at their own game. Being confident in yourself and expressing sureness is one of the most powerful messages you can send. Projecting pride in who you are also allows you to feel more comfortable in your own skin. In doing so, you have the power to change people’s perceptions on LGBT athletes and the LGBT community. More often than not, when the situation becomes personal people begin to invest more in educating themselves on the issue. Going to school in one of the most conservative states in the country, I know first-hand how cruel some people can be. On the flip side, I also have learned how compassionate and accepting people can be once they look past the idea that one’s sexuality defines who they are as a person.  Slowly tearing down the walls of bigotry is no easy feat and cannot be done overnight. In educating and exposing people to the LGBT community and the members who encompass it, we can gradually begin to change the negative stigmas that people still have about us.  

Drew Davis shares about having a coach who didn't support him

Drew Davis, Division 1 Volleyball player at Erskine College, shared this story about dealing with an unsupportive coach after coming out with Outsports. Thank you for sharing Drew!

Dealing with an Unsupportive Coach and Community

It all started the day after my Outsports article was published in March 2014. My team already knew about the article and they were extremely happy for me. I had been out to my team for almost a year by the time my article was published. My team loves me; they love all of my gay teammates. There are others besides me. Volleyball is known to have a lot of homosexual players. It’s just one of the world’s wonders. I believe it’s because gay guys are more comfortable about being open and honest with their teams. If you don’t know any volleyball players, you must understand that we are an eclectic type of people and athlete. Very competitive, but also very unique and open.

At this point, I knew that my former coach knew about me and another teammate. He even went so far as to ask my roommate, who is also my best friend, if there would be any issues between me and the other teammate if we were to room together on away trips in hotels. I think he believed that all gay guys sleep with other gay guys. Typical stereotype, I know. However, my former coach and I have never actually set down and talked about my personal life or my relationships, it was almost taboo. My teammates were open about their relationships and I was open about mine. You can think of the type of questions I was asked, as they are all the type of questions that all homosexual athletes and people get.

The day after my article came out, I got a text from my coach telling me and my teammate Juan, who was also featured in the same article, to meet with him before practice with the three captains on the team. Juan and I arrived about 45 minutes early before practice and go into a side classroom in our gym and see our coach with his head in his hands and the three captains sitting in silence. The first thing he says is, “how could you not tell me? How could you let me get blindsided by this?” Juan and I look at each other and are confused about what is going on. He then goes on a rant about how the night before he gets a call from our athletic director about our article. Apparently, someone in the Erskine College community called the administration and decided to condemn them for allowing openly homosexual athletes play sports at a reformed Presbyterian school. Then our ex-coach proceeds to tell us that we have not only ruined his season, but probably future recruiting because Juan and I are gay.

I instantly burst into tears, not because I was sad, but because I was fueled with a rage that I have never felt before. How can someone be so ignorant and naïve? What does my sexuality have to do with “his” season? What does it have to do with recruits that come along after I’m gone? Instantly, before I could start screaming, one of my straight captains who I wasn’t very close with pipes up and ask coach what his deal is? He asks, “What does Juan and Drew’s preference have to do with anything about volleyball, or the potential championship run we are on?”

My article painted the college and my team in a positive light. I had said in my article that I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. My team is like brothers to me and they accepted me and still do today. They just want me to be happy. I said nothing during this meeting, but later that day I was so hurt and so depressed that someone could think such things about me, that I slept from after practice, through all of my classes the next day and even debated quitting volleyball altogether. Yet, I didn’t. My team won the regular season and conference tournament championships and later played in the NCAA Division 1 tournament against Stanford University where we lost in the first round. However, I will never forget playing in front of that crowd, how it felt to reach to top tournament in college volleyball. It was a dream come true. We had only had a volleyball program for two years, and yet we are on the top stage of volleyball and even ranked within the country.

But, my sophomore season was a negative one, dealing with an unsupportive coach and even his father, who decided to email Cyd Zeigler, one of the editors from Outsports,  and proceed to tell him that he and I were promoting the “gay agenda”, and we were ignorant as to how my straight teammates felt about the publicity we would get. The Presbyterian community around my rural, southern college also funds it. They decided to talk negatively about me as well on a website specifically for Presbyterian churches and schools. They said I only did this article to get famous and that I was sneaky in the way that I did it. I went behind everyone’s back to gain fame and promote homosexuality within Erskine College. This year I was even approached by a Trustee member and asked what I thought about the student who promoted homosexuality the year before. This trustee member obviously didn’t know that I was the one with the article. I played it cool, I just said that everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, sexuality, and morals. What they decide to do with them is none of my business, and if our school is a Christian school, shouldn’t we be promoting love and non-judgment for everyone? Isn’t that what being a Christian is all about? Since I, myself claim to be a Christian, that is what I was taught growing up. Everyone love thy neighbor.

Although my coming out experience has not been easy, I do not regret it one bit. I wouldn’t sell my team or my college for any amount of money in the world. This year, my junior season, we have a new coach who supports every person on the team, and doesn’t worry about who his players are in relationships with. This man inspires me every day and he is what I want to become when I get older. We are contending for another championship this year, and are set to make it back to the NCAA tournament in Palo Alto, California in May 2015.

I, myself, want to be a college volleyball coach when I graduate and I am done playing the sport that I love. I know what it is like to have an unsupportive coach and I have learned that is not the type of coach, or person I want to be. A coach is not only a coach, but a mentor and role model. They shape athletes, but also have a hand in how those athletes develop into working members of our society. Being a coach, and being supportive of your players in all that they do allows for a great mutual respect between player and coach, but also fuels motivation for the player and the coach to get better. From a player’s perspective, patience is a virtue. Keeping myself from saying the wrong thing kept me from quitting the sport I love and making multiple enemies along the way. My word of advice is to be comfortable in who you are, God made you that way and the trials and tribulations you go through today, make you into a better, more open person tomorrow.

Drew Davis